The Emotions Library project is a collection of stories about the emotion(s) we experience. Stories bring meaning and clarity, helping us understand our emotions better. We do this so everyone can access knowledge, gain emotional literacy, and develop self-awareness.
Experiencing criticism can be emotionally challenging, often triggering feelings of hurt, frustration, or defensiveness. It's natural to want to protect our ego, retreat from the situation, or ruminate on the feedback. However, criticism is typically aimed at actions or behaviors, not our intrinsic worth, and can serve as an opportunity for growth.
The key is to manage emotional responses through emotional literacy—recognizing and validating our feelings while separating our self-worth from the feedback. When we embrace criticism constructively, it can help us reflect, refine our skills, and become more self-aware. By responding with grace, curiosity, and actionable steps, we can transform criticism into a valuable tool for personal development.
Story: Feeling judged or condemned by others' negative feedback.
Impulse: Defend yourself, withdraw, or dwell on it.
Etymology: From Greek kritikos, meaning "able to judge."
Purpose: Criticism highlights areas for growth or improvement, but also invites reflection on self-worth and boundaries.
Emotional Regulation and Journaling
In partnership with Calm3D, we provide a safe space for self-regulation, to feel peace, safety and security. At the same time, reflect on your own emotional experience and experience your story of feeling criticized.
Visit www.playcalm3d.com as you reflect and experience peace as you contemplate the emotions within you.
Reflective Questions
What aspects of the criticism feel most challenging?
How can you separate constructive feedback from personal attacks?
What can you learn from this feedback, and how can you use it?
Feeling Judged or Condemned by Others' Negative Feedback
Ellen sat at her desk, staring at the glowing screen before her. It was the third draft of her presentation, and she had spent hours perfecting every detail. The slides were polished, the data neatly organized, and her opening lines—she had practiced them in front of the mirror at least twenty times. She was ready.
The meeting room buzzed with the usual chatter as her colleagues filed in. Ellen adjusted her blouse and tried to steady her breath. Her manager, Mr. Harris, sat at the head of the table, a look of mild impatience on his face as he scanned the room. She felt her palms grow sweaty. This was her moment.
When it was her turn, Ellen stood up, collected her notes, and began. Her voice was steady at first, but a small tremor crept in as she reached the third slide. She quickly glanced at Mr. Harris, hoping for a reassuring smile. Instead, he was scribbling something on his notepad, not even looking up at her.
"Ellen," he interrupted suddenly, his voice sharp. "This slide—it’s not clear. You need to simplify the data. You’re overcomplicating things. The numbers here don’t even match up with the graphs. We can’t present something like this to the board."
The words hit her like a punch to the stomach. Ellen froze for a moment, her mind scrambling to catch up. She had worked so hard on that slide, double-checking every detail, and making sure the data was accurate. But now, with just a few words from Mr. Harris, all of that effort felt pointless. The room seemed to close in around her.
Her colleagues shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Ellen’s face burned, her mind racing with a mix of embarrassment, confusion, and frustration. She wanted to defend herself, to explain why the slide was the way it was, but her tongue felt thick, stuck in her mouth. It was as if all the confidence she had built up vanished in an instant. Instead of speaking up, she nodded and quickly moved to the next slide, hoping the sting would fade.
The rest of the meeting went on, but Ellen’s mind was elsewhere. She could barely focus on what was being discussed. All she could hear were Mr. Harris’s words echoing in her mind: "You’re overcomplicating things." It felt personal, even though she knew it wasn’t meant to be.
Later that day, when she returned to her desk, Ellen slumped into her chair. She had the overwhelming urge to withdraw, to retreat into the quiet space of her thoughts. Her colleagues had congratulated her for a good effort, but Ellen couldn’t shake the feeling of inadequacy. She knew the feedback was meant to help her improve, but in that moment, it didn’t feel like guidance. It felt like a judgment on her ability, her worth.
Her phone buzzed, interrupting her spiraling thoughts. It was a message from her best friend, Anna.
“How did the presentation go? Hope it went well!”
Ellen hesitated, her finger hovering over the screen. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to unload her frustrations either. Finally, she typed: “It was tough. Mr. Harris didn’t like the slide I worked on. It really stung.”
Anna’s reply came almost immediately. “I get it. That must have been hard. But remember, one critique doesn’t define you. He’s not criticizing you, Ellen. He’s criticizing your work. You’re so much more than that.”
Ellen sat back in her chair, reading the words again. “He’s not criticizing me.” It felt like a small shift, but it was enough to start unraveling the knot of emotions tightening in her chest.
She thought about it for a while. Mr. Harris had only criticized one part of the presentation. He hadn’t questioned her overall competence. He hadn’t attacked her as a person. It was the work that was under scrutiny, not her worth. It was a difficult thing to remember in the heat of the moment, but it was the truth.
Ellen closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What could I learn from this? She thought about the slide again. It was clear that Mr. Harris had a point. The data had been overcomplicated, and the graphs were too cluttered. The feedback wasn’t a personal attack—it was about improving the quality of the work. And that was something Ellen could do. She could make it better.
That night, after dinner, Ellen sat down with her laptop again. She opened the presentation and went back to that third slide. Instead of feeling defeated, she felt empowered to make changes. She simplified the data, reworked the visuals, and even found a way to present the information more clearly. The work wasn’t perfect, but it was better. And that was enough.
The next morning, Ellen arrived at the office early. She sent the updated slide to Mr. Harris, along with a brief message: “I’ve made some revisions to the slide. I believe it addresses the feedback you gave me. Please let me know your thoughts.”
His reply came quickly: “Thanks for the update, Ellen. The changes are exactly what I was looking for. Great work.”
Relief washed over her in waves. It wasn’t about perfection—it was about taking the feedback, reflecting on it, and using it to improve. Ellen realized that, even though criticism could sting, it was an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to refine her skills.
As she walked into the next meeting, Ellen held her head a little higher. She knew she was more than her mistakes. She knew that criticism didn’t define her. It was simply part of the process, part of becoming better at what she did. That realization gave her the confidence to face the next challenge, knowing that she could handle it—no matter what.
The Impulse to Defend, Withdraw, or Dwell
When criticized, our immediate reaction may be one of three impulses:
Defend Yourself: We want to explain why we did what we did or how it wasn't our fault. The instinct is to justify our actions and protect our ego.
Withdraw: Feeling vulnerable or hurt, we might shut down, retreat from the conversation, or avoid people who criticize us.
Dwell on It: We may ruminate over the feedback, replaying the criticism in our minds over and over, questioning our abilities or worth.
These responses are often fueled by our emotions and can sometimes lead to more harm than good. It’s important to be aware of these impulses and find healthier ways to engage with criticism.
The Origins of ‘Criticism’
Criticism comes from the Greek word kritikos, which means "able to judge." At its core, criticism is an evaluation or judgment, and while it may come from others, it’s often directed at specific actions or behaviors, not our intrinsic value as people. The key challenge here is distinguishing between criticism that is meant to help us improve and criticism that is merely an attack on our character.
Criticism can take many forms:
Constructive Feedback: Aimed at helping you grow, offering suggestions for improvement.
Destructive Criticism: Often harsh, personal, and not necessarily helpful.
Unsolicited Criticism: Given without invitation, sometimes making us feel judged or unheard.
Purpose of Criticism: An Invitation for Growth
Criticism, when handled correctly, can serve as a powerful tool for personal development. It offers an opportunity to reflect on our actions, refine our skills, and become more self-aware. However, to fully benefit from criticism, we must first detach our self-worth from the feedback.
Here are a few ways to turn criticism into a growth opportunity:
See It as a Mirror: Criticism can reveal blind spots that we might not be aware of, offering a chance to make necessary changes.
Use It to Set Boundaries: When criticism feels like a personal attack, it’s crucial to set emotional boundaries. Recognize when feedback is constructive, and when it's not your responsibility to internalize harsh words.
Evaluate the Source: Not all feedback is equal. Consider who is giving the feedback and whether they have the expertise or intentions to help you grow.
Emotional Literacy: Understanding and Managing Your Emotional Response to Criticism
One of the most powerful tools you can develop when facing criticism is emotional literacy—the ability to identify, understand, and healthily express your emotions. When we receive negative feedback, it often triggers a cascade of emotional reactions, such as:
Frustration: A sense of being misunderstood or unfairly judged.
Shame: The feeling that we are inherently flawed or inadequate.
Anger: A reaction to feeling attacked or blamed.
Sadness: The weight of feeling like we’ve disappointed others or let ourselves down.
By increasing our emotional literacy, we can better process these emotions rather than letting them dictate our behavior. Here’s how emotional literacy can help:
Recognizing Emotions: The first step is to recognize and label the emotion you’re feeling. Are you angry, hurt, ashamed, or frustrated? Naming the emotion gives you control over it instead of letting it overwhelm you.
Validating Emotions: Understand that it’s completely natural to feel upset when criticized. Your feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean you have to act on them impulsively. Recognizing that your emotions don’t define you allows you to separate the message from the emotional response.
Understanding Triggers: Criticism often triggers memories or insecurities. For example, if you’ve been criticized in the past for something you deeply care about, you may react more strongly to similar feedback now. By identifying these triggers, you can acknowledge them without letting them control your reaction.
Expressing Emotions Constructively: Once you identify your emotions, healthily express them. For example, if you feel hurt, instead of withdrawing or lashing out, you might calmly say, “I feel a bit hurt by that feedback. Can we explore it more so I can understand how to improve?” This approach helps you maintain emotional control while keeping the conversation productive.
Reflective Questions
When you find yourself stung by criticism, take a moment to reflect. Here are some questions to help you process the feedback in a way that promotes growth:
What aspects of the criticism feel most challenging?
This helps you pinpoint the areas of feedback that are particularly sensitive, allowing you to address these feelings rather than letting them fester.
How can you separate constructive feedback from personal attacks?
Not all criticism is personal. Try to focus on the content of the feedback, rather than interpreting it as a judgment on your entire character. For example, if someone criticizes your work, it's about your performance in that task, not who you are as a person.
What can you learn from this feedback, and how can you use it?
Shift your mindset from defensiveness to curiosity. Ask yourself what value the feedback holds and how it can improve your skills or behaviors in the future.
Strategies for Responding to Criticism
Instead of reacting impulsively, here are some strategies to respond to criticism in a way that is both reflective and proactive:
Pause and Breathe: Before reacting, take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to process the feedback. This pause can prevent defensive responses and give you clarity.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If the criticism feels vague or unclear, ask for specific examples. This can help you understand the feedback better and determine if it’s constructive or merely an opinion.
Acknowledge the Feedback: Whether you agree or not, showing that you heard and considered the feedback can go a long way. This helps defuse any tension and demonstrates maturity.
Decide on Actionable Steps: If the feedback is constructive, identify concrete actions you can take to improve. This turns criticism into a roadmap for personal growth rather than an emotional burden.
The Power of Boundaries
An important part of handling criticism is knowing when to set boundaries. Sometimes feedback is not delivered persuasively, and it may be necessary to protect your emotional well-being by distancing yourself from toxic criticism. Setting boundaries means recognizing when criticism crosses the line into disrespect, and learning to say no to feedback that is not helpful or constructive.
Final Thoughts
Being criticized is never easy, but it’s not always as bad as it may seem in the moment. If we can approach criticism with an open mind and a growth-oriented perspective, we can learn valuable lessons that help us grow both personally and professionally.
Remember: you are not your mistakes. Criticism is not a reflection of your value, but an opportunity for you to learn, adapt, and evolve. The next time you face negative feedback, use these strategies to process it with grace and confidence. Instead of retreating or getting defensive, lean into the feedback and see how it can propel you forward on your journey of self-improvement.
If Ellen’s experience of feeling criticized resonates with you, consider deepening your emotional literacy to better understand and process these emotions. Tools like Emoli Cards can help you identify and express your feelings, allowing you to navigate negative feedback with greater clarity and resilience while maintaining a healthy perspective on your self-worth.
For personalized support, consider booking an Emotions-Based Coaching session. Together, we’ll explore how emotional awareness, mindfulness, and self-compassion can help you transform criticism into growth, empowering you to stay grounded and confident on your journey.
Comments